Eye Contact

Having eye contact is one of the fears i encounter while growing up. But sometimes it does not seem that scary when you try to see other people's reaction. I guess knowing and realised that i am afraid rejection helps to let you decide whether or not do you want to do something about it. Acceptance is what everyone seeks, no matter you are extrovert or introvert. But most importantly is whether do you accept yourself.

Growing up in a Christian family does give me a foundation on how to settle issues but it does not mean that it is easier for me. Only when you accept yourself and walk with God, you will know how to overcome your fears as God is always there for you. "Joshua 1:9....Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid: do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." It is only when i took the time to read and meditate on his words that as if God is telling me to be brave.

Since young, I do not know how to socialize, even now. But the difference is that i used to run away from people or you can say avoid eye contact and now I am able to look at them eye to eye and talk. I used to think 10000 things before doing anything which ended up doing nothing because i was so afraid of everything. I was afraid I would fail, no body likes me, and so forth. I disliked myself. I always admire other people of their confidence and never would I imagine i could ever give a speech or teach things in front of people. Now I wont say I love myself to bits but I do not dislike myself. I have accepted myself for being me, and i think that is the beginning to change things. When in the bible says Love your neighbour as yourself. I always can love others but not myself and now I understand that when you are able to love yourself, you are also able to love others, but whether you want to put more effort in other people beside yourself, i think that is up to you.

Just to let you know the extend of my introvert, these are some examples which i can remember.
I find difficult to even press the bell whenever i wanted to stop the bus. I always hope that there is someone else going down the same place as I was. I never really tell people what i really think and always give them the answer i think they approve of. My usually answer is "I do not know". Whenever people beside my parents and my brother and my few friends comes to my house, I would gladly hide in my room. My parents need to call me or force me get out of my room if they wanted to see me or so. There was even once i ran into my room at the sight of my brother friends. It was hilarious thinking about it. But at that time it was so scary for me. A world of uncertainties, a world of fear. 

 I also dislike attention even now. Whenever there is more than two people, I just good at listening and cant give much feedback unless I am very confident on that particular topic, if not i would be dead silence. But I am able to go through it with less worry and slightly more myself as i would avoid going out altogether.

Thank God that I am able to at least make eye contact to people and hopefully be able to be myself whenever I am not alone.
The reason I am blogging is to remind myself and also hopefully encourage those who felt  the same as me.